For the mindless twits who tweet away their precious time on this godforsaken planet. Fucking twats.
Story #1: Michael Jackson is alive and well and living in Miami with Hitler & Jim Morrison.
Story # 2: Mr. Morrison is saddened by the betrayal of his purported longtime friend, The End, who recently thwarted Morrison's efforts to break on through to the other side.
Story #3: Exclusive photos have leaked from Adolf Hitler's clandestine surprise 120th birthday party, rumored to have been planned by the late Robert Isabell. Attendees included psychotic filmmaker Mel Gibson, inexplicably-still-in-the-news former VP Dick Cheney, and the gold-digging wife of Bernie Madoff.
Story #4: President Obama's fake ID gets him past Secret Service agents and into the Oval Office for some brewskis. Henry Louis Gates, Jr. was denied entry due to the obvious falsification of his Harvard student ID card. Prof. Gates is expected to be suspended from his teaching duties until he completes a rehabilitation program designed to help well-respected members of the African-American community deal with their frustration toward racist, uppity whites.
Story #5: Tanning beds cause cancer, says dumbfounded buffoons running the World Health Organization. All of humanity collectively sighs while rebutting, "No shit, dickbrains." Experts predict that this news will cause an upward spike in the underground "Pale is the New Tan Movement."
~Michael J. Carlos
Editor-in-Chief
Rant Magazine
